The Unhappy Marriage

While a fine mustache is a boon to any relationship, look hither at the bearded marriage. His deep despair. Her dead eyes and forced smiled. The sadness of this image resonates through the centuries...

On Beardism

There has seldom existed a more frightening documentary on the danger of beards than this one I have found. Not suitable for the weak of constitution.

The Fools of April

Warning to the fairer sex, unaccompanied minors and those with weak constitutions, today's post is on a rather shocking matter.

Let us spend this one day contemplating the most foolish of facial hair:

The Mustacheless Beard



With no mustache, sideburns or cheek bridge, this represents the reverse face-shelf. Truly horrible to behold.



This mustacheless patriarch surely ruled his family with a cruel and iron fist. Possibly because no woman could love a deliberately barelipped authoritarian. The seeds of feminism were sown from his unnatural co-location of facial and chest hair.



A furious expression on a mustacheless face. What joy can be had without a mustache?


Of course, my condemnation of the mustacheless beard does not extend to the Amish and Mennonite communities, who are mustacheless for religious reasons. As wikipedia explains:

Moustaches are not allowed, because they are associated with the military, and because they give opportunity for vanity. The avoidance of military styles has origins in the religious and political persecution in 16th and 17th century Europ. Men of the nobility and upper classes, who often served as military officers, wore moustaches but not beards, and the pacifist Amish avoid moustaches because of this association.

The Minimum Stain

A fine mustache ruined by a dribble beard. Shameful.

The Proud Cleft

How terrible it would be to hide such a manly chin cleft under a beard...

Adversus Barba

Take, for example, this fine chap. Covered by a scruffy beard, there would be no way to admire the rugged fissure in his chin formed from the incomplete fusion of the left and right halves of the jaw. For the sake of a few chin whiskers, the cleft would be lost.

The Tipping Point

There is a dangerous time in the lifespan of a mustache, where experimentation can tip over into madness. Once a man knows the unctuous feel of the mustache riding confidently under his nose; once he understands the power he wields over women, small animals, and the bare-lipped; once he succumbs to its seduction... he could be tempted. Oh, it will start innocently enough: a modest sideburn here, a cautious attempt to increase his sideburn flare ratio there, maybe even the difficult full-blown faceshelf... but, eventually the chin will call to him, luring him into the trap of scruffy beardism! Beware, kind gentlemen, beware!