Diseases of the Mustache: Acute Follicular Seizure

While I have spoken before of the dread Acute Follicular Seizure, until now I have not been able to present photographic testament of the results. This poor gentleman had been sorely affected as some point in his past; the wispy tips and contorted growth patterns are clear indicators. While lucky that it was not severe enough to produce baldness, the mustache will never be the same. Still, he wears what cruel nature has inflicted upon him with a full measure of dignity. Huzzah, sir!

Diseases of the Mustache: Temporary Handlebar Weariness

What horror to be so afflicted. The right-side cannot hold a twist at all.

The Balding Philtrum

Another view of the grotesque effects of a malformed philtrum.

Once again I must show you a mustache with pronounced pugilistic effect. I would beg the forbearance of my loyal readers with delicate constitutions.

Diseases of the Mustache: Malformed Philtrum

This poor gentleman has the hairless area most associated with a malformed philtrum. His cross-eyedness may indicate a history of pugilism or horse-wrestling.

Mustaches Of The Nineteenth Century Special Report

An In Depth Look at Diseases of the Mustache

Many of my valued readers have asked for a clarification of certain medical terms concerning mustachery. An addition to this post, the terms will be added to the glossary.


Mustache Wasting Disease
A progressive thinning of the mustache about the phltrum and the outer twisting withers. Often the result of over-mastication routines advocated by Fletcherites and other jaw-abusive health cults. (Fletcherism has also been linked to a related illness, Sideburnitosis.)

Mustache Concussion
A bruising and swelling of the mustache, both philtrum and withers, caused by repeated blows. The immediate aftereffect is often simple temporary handlebar weariness, but severe cases can present acute follicular seizure. Repeated mustache concussions, such as those experience by bare-knuckle pugilists, can result in malformation of the philtrum, also known as Cauliflower Lip.

Temporary Handlebar Weariness
A flagging of the twists brought on by fatigue or opium balm. Extreme mustache exertion and physical damage to the lip can bring it on, but is often cured by a brief rest at a mustache spa.

Acute Follicular Seizure
A horrific and potentially crippling condition wherein the individual hairs of the mustache seize in their growth patterns for days or weeks at a time. This can lead to complete mustache baldness or an asymmetrical mustache growth pattern that will result in a malformed philtum.

Malformed Philtrum
The unnatural spread of the philtrum to occupy more than 5% of the entire mustache width due to trauma or use of certain illegal mustache growth pomades and waxes. The main impact on the mustache to emphasize the relativity hairless area of the philtrum to the detriment of the hairful wither, therefore upsetting the fine balance and symmetry seen in the great mustaches of the world.

Diseases of the Mustache: Philtrim Baldness

Hopefully medical advances in the future will address this sad state.

Mustache Stroke

Mustache stroke is a terrible condition that will strike 1 in 150 mustaches at some point in their lifespan. I thought long and hard before exposing this poor unfortunate to the world, but it is a subject that needs to be discussed. I am no mustache physician, but hopefully rehabilitative exercises will restore the normal function of this gentleman's mustache.

Update
Handsome reader franko has inquired about mustache stroke treatment. The underlying causes of mustache stroke are still a mystery, and there is no cure. Various remedies have been tried over the centuries with varying degrees of result. They include: mustache massage, improved mustache nutrition, handlebar binding, electro-irrigation, mustache / philtrum reconstruction surgery, night eating, neo-Fletcherism, mustache transplant, aquapuncture, monkfish liver compress, milk seeding, beetle carapace infusion, calcium galvanics, congreve shellac, and shaving. All have their benefits and their dangers. Please proceed carefully and may the mustachioed gods smile upon your endeavours.

Mustache Health, Special Update

Quite thin in places with no even line. Obviously another victim of the North American Hook-Beaked Mustache Swallow. Damn that insidious avian!

Mustache Health Weekend, pt. 4

This poor sufferer's mustache is completely bald in the middle. There are many causes of Mustache Baldness, but the most perplexing is the little understood North American Hook-beaked Mustache Swallow, an insidious creature that steals the softest mustache hairs to line its nests. Thought extinct after their flesh became a delicacy in the salons of Europe in the 1880s, there have been recent reports of a live specimen caught in the Oregon territories.

Mustache Health Weekend, pt. 3

Most of the afflicted refuse to admit it, but blonde hair is a disease, of the mustache at least.

Mustache Health Weekend, pt. 2

The right-handed side of this gentleman's mustache droops quite severely compared to the left. It is possible his mustache has suffered a debilitating stroke.

Mustache Health Weekend, pt. 1

While many men stoically sit for a mustache portrait, this young man seems almost angry. It could be an indication of a mustache-wasting disease, specifically the type triggered by strict Fletcherism.