The Mustache Against All Odds

Despite being the victim of a crude forehead trepanation, this laconic gentleman still finds the will to maintain a fine mustache.

The Mustacheless Stand

...and yet still must lean on the mustachioed for support. So typical for those hapless in their liphairlessness.

The Deep Wells

I do believe that being surrounded in world filled with inferior mustaches has driven his poor fellow quite mad. If most gentlemen had the length and density of his wild mustache, this might be the best of all possible worlds. Alas, that lack is the despair in his eyes.

Diseases of the Mustache: Acute Follicular Seizure

While I have spoken before of the dread Acute Follicular Seizure, until now I have not been able to present photographic testament of the results. This poor gentleman had been sorely affected as some point in his past; the wispy tips and contorted growth patterns are clear indicators. While lucky that it was not severe enough to produce baldness, the mustache will never be the same. Still, he wears what cruel nature has inflicted upon him with a full measure of dignity. Huzzah, sir!

The Haberdashery Imperative

Matching hat to mustache is a sartorial computation that this gentleman has solved quite well.

We Three Mustached Gentleman

The win, place and show resultants from the Mid-Atlantic Inventors Fair and Mustache Cultivation Championships of 1871. While history lauds the Inventors Fair's Norris Benderstaff and his breakthrough discovery of mica-laced tooth powders, little is known of the Champion Mustache Cultivators. Due to the long tradition and unwavering intricacies of mustache competitions, we do know that the winner stands, the runner-up sits at his right hand, and The Mustache Genteelity prizewinner at his left. But all the rest, even these gentleman's names, has been lost to the restless combs of history.

A Failure of the Tintypist's Art

Having your photograph taken in the mid-Nineteenth Century was no mere trifle. It was a not inconsiderable expense, even by the time of the tintype. This gentleman with his fine, dark suit, impressive tie, and expertly pomaded hair just wanted a portrait of his thick and luxurious mustache made. Maybe he wanted to give it as a gift to a visiting countess or simply to document his mustache in its full plumage for his adoring grandchildren. But those hopes and dreams were dashed by the inexpert hand of a tintypist that had so little regard for his subjects as to mis-center this poor man, and even cut off his left-elbow. The left-elbow! The 2nd most erotic portion of a man in the Nineteenth Century! For shame, inept tintypist. You have robbed this man of perfection in immortality.

The Blurry Mustache

A slovenly display of the tintypist's art. Shameful that this gentleman's compact mustache be given such short shrift.

The Drowsy Mustache

It looks like someone has been spending too much time at the local somnambulist outfitters. I hope he does not shave off his mustache in a fit of hypnagogic dysphoria.

Jaunty and Rakish

Mustaches are like salads, usually best when simply dressed. But sometimes crushed velvet, tights and a commanding hat are the only appropriate accoutrement.

Mustache Resource

Loyal Reader Kate T. has alerted me to a valuable mustache resource. As reported by the indispensable Indicommons, a "Great Mustaches of The LOC" tag has been added to the Library of Congress photostream on Flickr. While most of the images already tagged are not of the Nineteenth Century vintage, there are many fine examples of the styles that survived until after The War To End All Wars.

For example, Dr. John T Gerin's impressive, yet still professional, faceshelf.



A "Good Show" to all involved!

The Rugged Mustache

A fine and thick mustache that saw this gentleman's upper lip through many a harsh Missouri winter. A mustache that struck West, and surely found riches and the attentions of a good wife.

The Abused Tintype

A jaunty hat, a fine mustache, and an impressive gold watchchain were not enough to keep this poor gentleman's tintype from being attacked. Some barelipped hooligans folded it in half, most likely in a fit of extreme jealousy.

Mustaches of the Civil War

A younger image than usual of the of the man who lent his name to the sideburn, Ambrose Burnside. Darker and shorter than the classic face-shelf he supports in the popular imagination, this is an intimate look at the origins of a classic American mustache style.

The Friday the 13th Mustache

What horrors those blank eyes have seen. And with Valentine's Day right 'round the corner!

The Streamlined Mustache

His jaunty bouffant and rapscallion tie reveal him to be a man of a terpsichorean bent. The streamlined mustache supports this conclusion wonderfully.

A Treasured Comment From A Treasured Commenter

If You've Only Got A Moustache
Stephen Foster (1864)

Oh! all of you poor single men,
Don't ever give up in despair,
For there's always a chance while there's life
To capture the hearts of the fair,
No matter what may be your age,
You always may cut a fine dash,
You will suit all the girls to a hair
If you've only got a moustache,
A moustache, a moustache,
If you've only got a moustache.

No matter for manners or style,
No matter for birth or for fame,
All these used to have something to do
With young ladies changing their name,
There's no reason now to despond,
Or go and do any thing rash,
For you'll do though you can't raise a cent,
If you'll only raise a moustache!
A moustache, a moustache,
If you'll only raise a moustache.

Your head may be thick as a block,
And empty as any foot-ball,
Oh! your eyes may be green as the grass
Your heart just as hard as a wall.
Yet take the advice that I give,
You'll soon gain affection and cash,
And will be all the rage with the girls,
If you'll only get a moustache,
A moustache, a moustache,
If you'll only get a moustache.

I once was in sorrow and tears
Because I was jilted you know,
So right down to the river
I ran To quickly dispose of my woe,
A good friend he gave me advice
And timely prevented the splash,
Now at home I've a wife and ten heirs,
And all through a handsome moustache,
A moustache, a moustache,
And all through a handsome moustache.


I'd like to thank Loyal Reader Caitlin GD Hopkins for bringing this delightful (and accurate!) song to my attention. The link also includes a MP3 of the song suitable for downloading. Sadly, the linked MP3 is not played on the traditional Jaw Harp and Concertina that Foster preferred.

The Unhappy Marriage

While a fine mustache is a boon to any relationship, look hither at the bearded marriage. His deep despair. Her dead eyes and forced smiled. The sadness of this image resonates through the centuries...

The Soft-Focus Mustache

This gentleman decided to memorialize his mustache with an opaque glass ambrotype. A bold choice considering the amount of fine detail that was lost. Perhaps a lover was the intend of this image, but leaving researchers and aficionados such as ourselves in a historic fog.

Desperate Times Call For Manly Mustaches

Devoted Reader Alice W. points us to this discussion of the bold mustaches that have have been chosen to lead our country out of these dark times.

The Year Of The Mustache by Anya Strzemien

William Howard Taft

A little examined chapter of the life if our Last Mustachioed President, William Howard Taft, is the turbulent years before he could grow a mustache.



I would be an angry infant as well if I knew how long it would be for that mustache to be mine...

A Fine Choice

Our readers of the fairer sex will surely and readily attest to the stark fact that there are mustaches you date, and mustaches you marry. This beautifully frocked lady has made I wise choice, I think. A well-groomed Imperial is fine husband material.

Democracy, red in tooth and claw...

While I struggle to stay above the political wrangling, it must be noted that only one candidate for President has a mustache:



I will make no formal endorsement, but I will say: 95 years is long enough!

The Moving Pictures Mustache

Never has the Nineteenth Century Mustache been as dynamic as in these serialed images. If only a fine and bold mustache aesthetic had taken hold in the decadent film industry. Imagine the dizzying delights of 1950s Mustache-O-Vision!

Another Sad Mustache

But I have an explanation for both, I think. Each is sad because they know nothing of their long lost twin.

The Faraway Mustache

This sad-eyed fellow seems to be contemplating the heady days of mustaches past; or, perhaps, the horror of a mustache that might never be. Chilling.

The Wisdom of Mustaches

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

-Friedrich Nietzsche, The Dawn, Sec. 297


His mustache veritably teems with uncorruptibility. He and his mustache learned much from Friedrich.

The Raconteur

Be watchful, ladies, or this blond dandy might throw you down the staircase of love!

Apologies

I have been away so long, I am almost ashamed to post. Upheaval at the Insititute, a mad power struggle at the top, interns being lured away to a European mustache think tank... it is too overwhelming.

This gentleman's well-groomed Imperial is a fine example of the form, but was unfortunately captured on gaslight developing-out paper. It will continue to fade until there is nothing left.

All Slipping Away

It is sad to see a man balding on the head and the mustache so young.