Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Fools of April

Warning to the fairer sex, unaccompanied minors and those with weak constitutions, today's post is on a rather shocking matter.

Let us spend this one day contemplating the most foolish of facial hair:

The Mustacheless Beard

With no mustache, sideburns or cheek bridge, this represents the reverse face-shelf. Truly horrible to behold.

This mustacheless patriarch surely ruled his family with a cruel and iron fist. Possibly because no woman could love a deliberately barelipped authoritarian. The seeds of feminism were sown from his unnatural co-location of facial and chest hair.

A furious expression on a mustacheless face. What joy can be had without a mustache?

Of course, my condemnation of the mustacheless beard does not extend to the Amish and Mennonite communities, who are mustacheless for religious reasons. As wikipedia explains:

Moustaches are not allowed, because they are associated with the military, and because they give opportunity for vanity. The avoidance of military styles has origins in the religious and political persecution in 16th and 17th century Europ. Men of the nobility and upper classes, who often served as military officers, wore moustaches but not beards, and the pacifist Amish avoid moustaches because of this association.


Jonathan S. said...

The Amish & Mennonite Communities are missing out on something wonderful - vainglorious or not- though I respect their beliefs most sincerely. I've found that a good mustache brings one closer to God.

Anonymous said...

while i respect their opinion, i do not understand how a beard can be a cure for the vain. bearded men can be vain, too!

Der Geis said...

I would not say I was incensed by the harsh criticism herein heaped upon beards and the wearers of beards but I cannot remain silent. Therefore, I announce to all assembled, a blog for those who have taken the next step in follicle evolution: Beards of the 19th Century at http://centuryofthebeard.blogspot.com/

I hope that we, as neighbors, can unite against those clean shaven miscreants who mock their masculinely adorned elders and betters.

Ivan said...

Of all the possible combinations and connotations of facial hair the mustache stands proud and sure.
It seems the beard alone requires many years of hard work to achieve significance, whereas a mustache works well after a few weeks of neglect .......

Unknown said...

Did you see the TV show New Amsterdam? While the character is currently clean-shaven, his Civil War era has a wonderful Royal 'stache and his assistant was Walt Whitman, who had a beard sans 'stache and who didn't look bad.

Christine H. said...

Immediately when I saw the pictures, it reminded me of my Mennonite forefathers and Quakers i have known, but I had no idea that's why they didn't wear mustaches. fascinating!

Christine H. said...

P.S. My blog generally has nothing to do with mustaches, but I did post one awhile ago. I am adding a link to your site for those who really want to immerse themselves in the mystique of the mustache.