A Thoughtful Young Man

He dreams, perhaps, of one day having the thickest mustache in all of upstate New York.

The Courageous Mustache

A lack of any legs has not impeded this man from growing a fine mustache. I ask the male readers of this journal, here on this chilly first day of Spring, what is your excuse?

A Fine Canadian Mustache

While Google fails me once again on the fine details, I recognize the two large medals identifying this gentleman as having had a Québécois Récompense de Service de Moustache bestowed upon him at some point. The smaller starburst at his throat indicates a career in the Greater Canadian Moustache Brigades and the sash is only awarded if his mustache was wounded in combat. Truly a mighty warrior and someone deserving our respect. Too bad the collective memory of the Internet has let him slip away.

The Key to a Happy Childhood

What child wouldn't be thrilled to be have been sired by a gentleman with such a fine mustache? What hours of delight such a lucky child would have in knowing her father to be among a rarefied company. A wonderful handlebar like that could populate the entire world with siblings!

A beautiful image reproduced on my favorite photographic process, matte collodion printing-out paper.

Mustache Truth Revealed In Poetry

A wonderful translation of Mustache Thievery by Sukumar Ray

This excellent poem from the facial-hair rich sub-continent now called India contains some of the truest line spoke by man:

They claim the mustache is mine--as though it’s something you can own!
The mustache owns the man, my friend--that’s how we all are known.

The Brotherly Mustache

James and William Harbut, known locally as "The Harbut Boys." Ruffians in their youth, they finally grew fine matching mustaches and joined the gentry. The civilizing influence of a properly groomed mustache cannot be over estimated. It tamed more wild youth in the Nineteenth Century than comely minister's daughters.

Too Much Restraint

While his mustache is near-perfect in its tight twists, his sideburns scream to be set free.

The Steely Glint of Capitalism In His Eye

How that monster Stalin was able to subvert such a fine free-market mustache to his twisted philosophy is one of the great laments of mustachiologists.

A Formidable Nietzsche

While mustaches this full were occasionally grown to cover up the sort of severe lip injuries common in the Crimean War, I think the hastily retied neck wear belies this gentleman's success with the ladies. Perhaps a tryst with the photomixing girl in the congreve closet...

Amazing Facespanner!

This gentleman is pushing the structural integrity of his mustache to its very limits. From the perfect bird-on-wing swoop to its stunning density, this mustache is easily the finest example of this rare and difficult style I have ever found.

The Mustache Of Love

Happy Valentine's Day, from all the staff here at Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century. May you find in your loved ones the joy that normally only a mustache can bring.

More Mustache Slander: The Colbert Report

It has come to my attention that inconsequential TV funnyman Stephen Colbert made the following pronouncement on his little-watched basic cable "news" show.

"They [homosexuals] have already claimed mustaches and short-shorts, they've ruined those for the rest of us."

and later

"A statistical correlation [between mustaches and homosexuality], it's not cause and effect. Mustaches don't make you gay, but they don't help."

This is the sort of ill-considered tripe that flows from the follicularly impaired, Mr. Colbert. Gay or straight, any mustached man is more masculine than a barelipped buffoon such as you!

Jingoism: The last refuge of the clean-shaven scoundrel!

Finally, Some Form Of Justice

A reader, anonymous and possibly fearful of reprisal, brought to my attention the sad plight of Victor Joynath De who was fired from his air steward job on Indian Airlines for sporting this fine facespanner:



A Calcutta court has reinstated the fine gentleman to his job, after months of legal wrangling.

The reason cited by the airline? His mustache was unhygienic! Unhygienic? Balderdash!

I urge all my loyal readers to send a letter of protest to Indian Airlines and to boycott their corporation forthwith. How horrible it is to find this level of mustache ignorance and prejudice in the modern world.

Long may Victor Joynath De's mustache reign!

Speechless Before The Mustache Sandwich

The shriek of delight from the interns when they stumbled upon this image roused the entire Institute to come and take a look. Nineteenth Century mustache portraiture is always a formal affair; to find such an innocent image of the mustache at play is rare indeed.

The Casual Spanner

The facespanner at rest, as it were. In its full tumescence, the facespanner strides mightily from ear to ear, but when relaxed, as seen here, by certain unguents and conditioners, it swoops softly down to the very jawline of a man. Glorious!

The Virile Mustache

His wife is visibly exhausted by his virile mustache and the husbandly power it holds over her.

The Minimum Stain

A fine mustache ruined by a dribble beard. Shameful.

Remembering IOOMRF

A fine gentleman with a fine mustache, but the historical heft of this image is on his lapel. It is a rare photograph of an International Order of Mustache Relief Fellows membership pin. Every major city in the civilized world had a IOOMRF chapter house, ready to lend a hand to mustachioed and unmustached alike. This fine men were all pillars of their community and lead by example of their fine mustaches. They would give lectures on mustache grooming and public demonstrations of mustache safety procedures. They were also known for their fund drives and parades, raising money for widows, orphans, and the medically unmustache. Unfortunately, changing styles and the electric razor took their toll on the membership at large and the organization is largely forgotten.

In recent years, though, a number of like-mided organizations, both literal and spiritual descendants of IOOMRF, have sprung up. If you would like to support mustaches in your area, I urge you to seek out organizations like Mustaches For Kids, Team Mo-Mentum, and Fund-A-Stache. Fine folks doing fine work, and keeping the mustache alive.

The Properly Populated Philtrum

Now this is a fine and dense philtrum, brooking no argument from the whithers or tips.

The Balding Philtrum

Another view of the grotesque effects of a malformed philtrum.

Once again I must show you a mustache with pronounced pugilistic effect. I would beg the forbearance of my loyal readers with delicate constitutions.

Edison's Folly: Better Mustaches Through Science

As best I can discover, this is the only know photographic evidence of the amazing, yet dangerous effects of Thomas Edison's Electromustacherizer that saw its first and only public demonstration at the 1893 Chicago World's Fair. These men started the day clean-shaven and grew these fine mustaches in just a few minutes under the influence of Edison's machine. But, just as the rays of the mighty sun struck Icarus low, their mustaches were mere guttering flames that fell out in clumps just three days later. In a saddening result, Edison's folly rendered these men mustacheless for the rest of their days.

In his despair, Edison spent the rest of his lonely days electrocuting elephants and yelling at rotating wax cylinders. Unable to sleep for more than an hour at a stretch due to his burning guilt for mutilating these men, Edison died penniless and alone in a Rhode Island boarding house not two years later.

Plain, But Respectable

It is a shame that he does not capitalize on the wonderful density and tall philtrum and whithers Nature has provided him.

The Unattractiveness of Indecision

This--I hesitate to say gentleman--has a thin, patchy mustache and flared sideburns. It is either a failed attempt at the noble faceshelf or a fatal indecision on his part of facial hair styles. The shifty look in his eyes even indicates he might be thinking of mustachelessness. The generous among you might assign his rough appearance to a mustache wasting disease, but I've seen his kind before. Shocking.

Finally, Some Sanity In An Insane World

New York City police have been banned from all facial hair except for mustaches.

As wise man notes in the article:

"Appearance is so important in any kind of authoritative role," said Jim Curran, who was a cop in the 1960s and now teaches at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice. "Police officers should be clean. They should look nice. The Patrol Guide emphasizes that for a reason."

The best way to look nice? A mustache, of course!

It is sensible, though, to allow undercover officers to retain their various beards. They do mingle with outcasts and criminals of society and it would not do to look out-of-place.

Fade, Fading Away

This gentleman's mustache is ghostly and barely there, as if were camouflaging itself from the dread North American Hook-Beaked Mustache Swallow. A brilliant example of microevolutionary adaptation. Bravo!

Monday Morning Amazing

One of the most fabulous faceshelves I have ever discovered! What wit, wealth and women this gentleman must have enjoyed!

The Modern Mustache

A very forward looking mustache from a very forward looking man.

The Sad Mustache

I cannot decide if he is morose that his mustache barely makes it down his face for a proper lip waterfall (often vulgarly called a Fu Manchu in the modern era) or if his visible distress is due to a catastrophic state of flaccidity in what should have been a spectacular overhand twist.

The Mustache of a Scholar, Surely

The gentleman has two of the most subtle overhand twists I ever encountered. In fact, I do not think they can even be considered to employ a twist at all.

Pressing Question Answered

I thought I might pause a moment and take time to answer a faithful reader's question. It seems a fine pursuit on a day when the weather is so unmustachely.

(lord) franko said...
as someone struggling with a long-ish moustache, i just have to ask: good LORD, how did this man EAT?? i am constantly getting food in my 'stache, or 'stache in my food, or both in my mouth... it's en embarrassing spectacle to live through, and probably even worse for those around me to watch. i'm considering either (gasp!) shaving off my moustache in 2008, or staying indoors and eating alone forever. how in the world did men from that era get so huge with moustaches so robust -- it boggles the mind.
December 30, 2007 12:50 PM

Firstly, I counsel against any rash mustache butchery on your part. A well-trimmed mustache will admit as gross an amount of foodstuffs as any state of barelippedness. (Why, in fact, do the determinedly barelipped eat at all? An unmustached life may not be worth living for any proper gentleman.)

To your question: There were two main methods by which a Victorian gentleman might deal with his mustache at mealtime. For formal occasions is was common to style the whiskers up and away from the mouth for the sake of neatness and expediency. Since formal mustache portraits would rarely be shot at dinner parties, a modern example with have to suffice.




A different method was often employed privately in the home or at sup with intimates, the humble face cage. Its purpose was to lift and separate the mustache, holding it out of the way to admit the various cold meat forks or monkey spoons one might wish to employ.

No Victorian gentleman would have allowed himself to be photographed in his face cage; it would be as unthinkable as a lady displaying her whalebone bustle for an albuminist. So, unfortunately, all I can offer for visual reference is this crude Photo-Shoppe recreation.