Ancient Mustache

The oldest known depiction of a mustache.


Pazyryk Horsemen, 300 BCE

The Pazyryk were an ancient nomadic people who lived in Siberian Russia, near the borders of China, Kazakhstan and Mongolia. They were obviously purveyors of excellent mustaches.

Fine Men, Doing Fine Work

While it is a wonderful thing to talk about the past, it should be noted that the fine art of the proper mustache has grown so distant that practitioners can face very real prejudice in their day to day lives.

The American Mustache Institute is dedicated to fighting on their side.

The Modern Mustache

This gentleman's mustache, despite a period fullness, is clearly the forerunner of the modern mustache so favored by peace officers and members of motorized velocipede enthusiast clubs.

The Winners and the Losers

Results of the The World Beard & Moustache Championships 2007

These fine men keep alive the art of the fine mustache, even if the organization itself indulges the scruffy practitioners of beardism.

He, and his mustache, are young

The Full Nietzsche

Profiles in Mustache Courage

A Piercing Mustache Glare

Unwaxed Overhand Twist

Dapper

The Mustache in Literature

The Mustache
Guy de Maupassant (1850-1893)

CHATEAU DE SOLLES,
July 30, 1883.

My Dear Lucy:

I have no news. We live in the drawing-room, looking out at the rain. We cannot go out in this frightful weather, so we have theatricals. How stupid they are, my dear, these drawing entertainments in the repertory of real life! All is forced, coarse, heavy. The jokes are like cannon balls, smashing everything in their passage. No wit, nothing natural, no sprightliness, no elegance. These literary men, in truth, know nothing of society. They are perfectly ignorant of how people think and talk in our set. I do not mind if they despise our customs, our conventionalities, but I do not forgive them for not knowing them. When they want to be humorous they make puns that would do for a barrack; when they try to be jolly, they give us jokes that they must have picked up on the outer boulevard in those beer houses artists are supposed to frequent, where one has heard the same students' jokes for fifty years.

So we have taken to Theatricals. As we are only two women, my husband takes the part of a soubrette, and, in order to do that, he has shaved off his mustache. You cannot imagine, my dear Lucy, how it changes him! I no longer recognize him-by day or at night. If he did not let it grow again I think I should no longer love him; he looks so horrid like this.

In fact, a man without a mustache is no longer a man. I do not care much for a beard; it almost always makes a man look untidy. But a mustache, oh, a mustache is indispensable to a manly face. No, you would never believe how these little hair bristles on the upper lip are a relief to the eye and good in other ways. I have thought over the matter a great deal but hardly dare to write my thoughts. Words look so different on paper and the subject is so difficult, so delicate, so dangerous that it requires infinite skill to tackle it.

Well, when my husband appeared, shaven, I understood at once that I never could fall in love with a strolling actor nor a preacher, even if it were Father Didon, the most charming of all! Later when I was alone with him (my husband) it was worse still. Oh, my dear Lucy, never let yourself be kissed by a man without a mustache; their kisses have no flavor, none whatever! They no longer have the charm, the mellowness and the snap- yes, the snap--of a real kiss. The mustache is the spice.

Imagine placing to your lips a piece of dry--or moist--parchment. That is the kiss of the man without a mustache. It is not worth while.

Whence comes this charm of the mustache, will you tell me? Do I know myself? It tickles your face, you feel it approaching your mouth and it sends a little shiver through you down to the tips of your toes.

And on your neck! Have you ever felt a mustache on your neck? It intoxicates you, makes you feel creepy, goes to the tips of your fingers. You wriggle, shake your shoulders, toss back your head. You wish to get away and at the same time to remain there; it is delightful, but irritating. But how good it is!

A lip without a mustache is like a body without clothing; and one must wear clothes, very few, if you like, but still some clothing.

I recall a sentence (uttered by a politician) which has been running in my mind for three months. My husband, who keeps up with the newspapers, read me one evening a very singular speech by our Minister of Agriculture, who was called M. Meline. He may have been superseded by this time. I do not know.

I was paying no attention, but the name Meline struck me. It recalled, I do not exactly know why, the 'Scenes de la vie de boheme'. I thought it was about some grisette. That shows how scraps of the speech entered my mind. This M. Meline was making this statement to the people of Amiens, I believe, and I have ever since been trying to understand what he meant: "There is no patriotism without agriculture!" Well, I have just discovered his meaning, and I affirm in my turn that there is no love without a mustache. When you say it that way it sounds comical, does it not?

There is no love without a mustache!

"There is no patriotism without agriculture," said M. Meline, and he was right, that minister; I now understand why.

From a very different point of view the mustache is essential. It gives character to the face. It makes a man look gentle, tender, violent, a monster, a rake, enterprising! The hairy man, who does not shave off his whiskers, never has a refined look, for his features are concealed; and the shape of the jaw and the chin betrays a great deal to those who understand.

The man with a mustache retains his own peculiar expression and his refinement at the same time.

And how many different varieties of mustaches there are! Sometimes they are twisted, curled, coquettish. Those seem to be chiefly devoted to women.

Sometimes they are pointed, sharp as needles, and threatening. That kind prefers wine, horses and war.

Sometimes they are enormous, overhanging, frightful. These big ones generally conceal a fine disposition, a kindliness that borders on weakness and a gentleness that savors of timidity.

But what I adore above all in the mustache is that it is French, altogether French. It came from our ancestors, the Gauls, and has remained the insignia of our national character.

It is boastful, gallant and brave. It sips wine gracefully and knows how to laugh with refinement, while the broad-bearded jaws are clumsy in everything they do.

I recall something that made me weep all my tears and also--I see it now --made me love a mustache on a man's face.

It was during the war, when I was living with my father. I was a young girl then. One day there was a skirmish near the chateau. I had heard the firing of the cannon and of the artillery all the morning, and that evening a German colonel came and took up his abode in our house. He left the following day.

My father was informed that there were a number of dead bodies in the fields. He had them brought to our place so that they might be buried together. They were laid all along the great avenue of pines as fast as they brought them in, on both sides of the avenue, and as they began to smell unpleasant, their bodies were covered with earth until the deep trench could be dug. Thus one saw only their heads which seemed to protrude from the clayey earth and were almost as yellow, with their closed eyes.

I wanted to see them. But when I saw those two rows of frightful faces, I thought I should faint. However, I began to look at them, one by one, trying to guess what kind of men these had been.

The uniforms were concealed beneath the earth, and yet immediately, yes, immediately, my dear, I recognized the Frenchmen by their mustache!

Some of them had shaved on the very day of the battle, as though they wished to be elegant up to the last; others seemed to have a week's growth, but all wore the French mustache, very plain, the proud mustache that seems to say: "Do not take me for my bearded friend, little one; I am a brother."

And I cried, oh, I cried a great deal more than I should if I had not recognized them, the poor dead fellows.

It was wrong of me to tell you this. Now I am sad and cannot chatter any longer. Well, good-by, dear Lucy. I send you a hearty kiss. Long live the mustache!

JEANNE.

What The Mustache Says About the Man

Those that have but a little Mustache, are of an ill nature.

Richard Saunders
Physiognomie and chiromancie, metoposcopie, the symmetrical proportions and signal moles of the body: fully and accurately handled, with their natural-predictive-significations : the subject of dreams, divinative, steganographical, and Lullian sciences: whereunto is added the art of memorie
1653

Pugilist's Mustache

It's a brave man who would risk such a fine mustache in the violent confines of the boxing ring. Bruising of the mustache can often cause temporary handlebar weariness or even in some cases acute follicular seizure. Professional fisticuffs may be the sweetest science, but it has led to many a malformed philtrum.

Mustache Halo

Exhibited here is the rare Mustache Halo effect. No mere modern mustache can but brush the cheek of its glory.

Foreign Mustache Week, Day Seven

Foreign Mustache Week, Day Six

Foreign Mustache Week, Day Five

Foreign Mustache Week, Day Four

Foreign Mustache Week, Day Three

What bull wouldn't be mesmerized by the seductive charms of such a fine mustache? Olè!

Foreign Mustache Week, Day Two

Foreign Mustache Week, Day One

The Scottish Mustache

A Triple Threat

A deft combination of bushiness, overhand twist, and full mouth coverage of The Neitzsche.

A Mustache That Whispers "Intrigue."

Bushiness Ratio

This gentleman has a mustache to sideburn ratio of almost 3 to 1.

Sideburn Flare

One of the most extreme examples of sideburn flare I have ever run across.

The Piercing Stare Of The Well-Groomed Mustache

The Untwisted Facespanner

Sprinting past all lesser competition, this gentleman has mated the length of the facespanner with the density of the Nietzsche and the shaggy glory of the mustache as it must have appeared when still growing the wild. An amazing accomplishment and one of the more perfect mustaches I have ever run across.

The Well-Aged Mustache, pt. 2

A Mustache at the Opera

A Young, Serious Mustache

A serious, albeit, immature mustache. The cape is a nice tough, though.