Mustaches Of The Nineteenth Century Special Report

An In Depth Look at Diseases of the Mustache

Many of my valued readers have asked for a clarification of certain medical terms concerning mustachery. An addition to this post, the terms will be added to the glossary.


Mustache Wasting Disease
A progressive thinning of the mustache about the phltrum and the outer twisting withers. Often the result of over-mastication routines advocated by Fletcherites and other jaw-abusive health cults. (Fletcherism has also been linked to a related illness, Sideburnitosis.)

Mustache Concussion
A bruising and swelling of the mustache, both philtrum and withers, caused by repeated blows. The immediate aftereffect is often simple temporary handlebar weariness, but severe cases can present acute follicular seizure. Repeated mustache concussions, such as those experience by bare-knuckle pugilists, can result in malformation of the philtrum, also known as Cauliflower Lip.

Temporary Handlebar Weariness
A flagging of the twists brought on by fatigue or opium balm. Extreme mustache exertion and physical damage to the lip can bring it on, but is often cured by a brief rest at a mustache spa.

Acute Follicular Seizure
A horrific and potentially crippling condition wherein the individual hairs of the mustache seize in their growth patterns for days or weeks at a time. This can lead to complete mustache baldness or an asymmetrical mustache growth pattern that will result in a malformed philtum.

Malformed Philtrum
The unnatural spread of the philtrum to occupy more than 5% of the entire mustache width due to trauma or use of certain illegal mustache growth pomades and waxes. The main impact on the mustache to emphasize the relativity hairless area of the philtrum to the detriment of the hairful wither, therefore upsetting the fine balance and symmetry seen in the great mustaches of the world.