Edison's Folly: Better Mustaches Through Science

As best I can discover, this is the only know photographic evidence of the amazing, yet dangerous effects of Thomas Edison's Electromustacherizer that saw its first and only public demonstration at the 1893 Chicago World's Fair. These men started the day clean-shaven and grew these fine mustaches in just a few minutes under the influence of Edison's machine. But, just as the rays of the mighty sun struck Icarus low, their mustaches were mere guttering flames that fell out in clumps just three days later. In a saddening result, Edison's folly rendered these men mustacheless for the rest of their days.

In his despair, Edison spent the rest of his lonely days electrocuting elephants and yelling at rotating wax cylinders. Unable to sleep for more than an hour at a stretch due to his burning guilt for mutilating these men, Edison died penniless and alone in a Rhode Island boarding house not two years later.

Plain, But Respectable

It is a shame that he does not capitalize on the wonderful density and tall philtrum and whithers Nature has provided him.

The Unattractiveness of Indecision

This--I hesitate to say gentleman--has a thin, patchy mustache and flared sideburns. It is either a failed attempt at the noble faceshelf or a fatal indecision on his part of facial hair styles. The shifty look in his eyes even indicates he might be thinking of mustachelessness. The generous among you might assign his rough appearance to a mustache wasting disease, but I've seen his kind before. Shocking.

Finally, Some Sanity In An Insane World

New York City police have been banned from all facial hair except for mustaches.

As wise man notes in the article:

"Appearance is so important in any kind of authoritative role," said Jim Curran, who was a cop in the 1960s and now teaches at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice. "Police officers should be clean. They should look nice. The Patrol Guide emphasizes that for a reason."

The best way to look nice? A mustache, of course!

It is sensible, though, to allow undercover officers to retain their various beards. They do mingle with outcasts and criminals of society and it would not do to look out-of-place.

Fade, Fading Away

This gentleman's mustache is ghostly and barely there, as if were camouflaging itself from the dread North American Hook-Beaked Mustache Swallow. A brilliant example of microevolutionary adaptation. Bravo!

Monday Morning Amazing

One of the most fabulous faceshelves I have ever discovered! What wit, wealth and women this gentleman must have enjoyed!

The Modern Mustache

A very forward looking mustache from a very forward looking man.