The Most Frightening Costume For A Mustache

A scruffy beard!

Devil's Night Mustache

"Dewey? We do."

I do not care for the mixture of puns and mustaches.

A Devil's Night note: Never prank a mustachioed man, their powers can have more uses than just the romantic.

The Returning Mustache

The research trip was quite successful. I found many new examples of exquisite nineteenth century mustachery to share with you in the coming months. I traveled savage lands indeed, full of strange peoples with even stranger customs.

It was one of these customs that poor Joseph ran afoul of… During a wondrous parade in a quaint western village, Joseph became entranced with one of the thickest English style mustache either of us had ever seen in modern times. Perhaps deranged from low pay and long days of combing private facial hair archives, Joseph attempted to take a mustache rubbing without making himself clear to the owner. A confrontation occurred and he was swept away in the great wave of humanity and has been missing ever since.

But there was good news. Joseph never had a chance to cash his final paycheck. I should be able to find a new intern with these monies. And this rare specimen was found, offered with only stunned silence…

The Melancholy Mustache

A rather sad mustache, for a rather sad time. I regret to inform my wonderful regular readers that I will be gone on a mustache research trip until next Monday and I will be traveling to savage lands, bereft of civilization and modern curiosities such as The Inter-net.

I had considered having my manservant Joseph keep up with our communications, but I respect and admire you all too much to leave you to his tangle-tongued mutterings. I have decided to take him along on half-pay, even though I doubt he can survive the intellectual rigors and physical hardships of the trip.

I hope to return with a formidable cadre of new images to delight and amaze you.

Your Faithful Servant,
J

Adversus Barba

Take, for example, this fine chap. Covered by a scruffy beard, there would be no way to admire the rugged fissure in his chin formed from the incomplete fusion of the left and right halves of the jaw. For the sake of a few chin whiskers, the cleft would be lost.

The Well-Composed Mustache

Ah, the pleasing symmetry of a delicate gullwing swoop in hair, mustache, and tie.

An Astute Mustache Observation

My manservent Joseph noted that this gentleman seems to be thinking rather intently about his mustache in this image. I agreed and then docked his pay for lollygagging.

Diseases of the Mustache: Philtrim Baldness

Hopefully medical advances in the future will address this sad state.

The Tiniest Of Overhand Twists

They are so small they might fool the untrained mustache aficionado into think they are merely a natural curl. I also appreciate that he was so proud of his fine mustache as to choose glasses that do not distract the eye.

An Understated Underhand Twist

The Silverback Mustache

The Silverback Mustache often denotes prominence in the tribe and access to prime breeding females.

Mustache Stroke

Mustache stroke is a terrible condition that will strike 1 in 150 mustaches at some point in their lifespan. I thought long and hard before exposing this poor unfortunate to the world, but it is a subject that needs to be discussed. I am no mustache physician, but hopefully rehabilitative exercises will restore the normal function of this gentleman's mustache.

Update
Handsome reader franko has inquired about mustache stroke treatment. The underlying causes of mustache stroke are still a mystery, and there is no cure. Various remedies have been tried over the centuries with varying degrees of result. They include: mustache massage, improved mustache nutrition, handlebar binding, electro-irrigation, mustache / philtrum reconstruction surgery, night eating, neo-Fletcherism, mustache transplant, aquapuncture, monkfish liver compress, milk seeding, beetle carapace infusion, calcium galvanics, congreve shellac, and shaving. All have their benefits and their dangers. Please proceed carefully and may the mustachioed gods smile upon your endeavours.

Happy Birthday, Friedrich Nietzsche!

Today would have been Friedrich Nietzsche's 163rd birthday. If he was still alive he'd be very old.

Nietzsche's iconic mustache rocked the foundation of Western mustache thought for decades, and he is owed an intellectual debt we will never be able to repay.

A Man Ages Only As Well As His Mustache

Still a bit worse for wear from yesterday's festivities. I will rally myself for tomorrow, one of the most important days in Mustache History!

Our 100th Post

One hundred posts, one hundred ways to enjoy the legacy of the mighty mustache.

Behold, the ferocious Faceshelf!


Tremble before the fabulous Facespanner!


And gasp in awe at the incredible Imperial!


Have a Happy October 13th, or as it shall be known from this day forward:

Nineteenth Century Mustache Day!

A Fine Natural Mustache

A Full-Body Lean

An aggressive lean, for a man so finely dressed.

Solitary Is Not Alone, Simple Is Not Plain

Here is a fine example of the mustache in all its solitary glory. This gentleman needs no other ostentatious facial hair adornment. I wish we could part the mists of time and determine if he wears a watch on the end of his fob and chain or a sumptuous silver mustache comb.

The Tipping Point

There is a dangerous time in the lifespan of a mustache, where experimentation can tip over into madness. Once a man knows the unctuous feel of the mustache riding confidently under his nose; once he understands the power he wields over women, small animals, and the bare-lipped; once he succumbs to its seduction... he could be tempted. Oh, it will start innocently enough: a modest sideburn here, a cautious attempt to increase his sideburn flare ratio there, maybe even the difficult full-blown faceshelf... but, eventually the chin will call to him, luring him into the trap of scruffy beardism! Beware, kind gentlemen, beware!

The White Tie Mustache

Only a man with absolute confidence in his mustache's density would dare to be photographed in profile.

The Second Greatest Disappointment of the Modern Age

The death of the monocle signaled a sad passing of an age of elegance in men's single-lensed eyepieces. None of the newfangled devices for correcting the vision in only one eye can even compare.

This gentleman's closely trimmed sideburns results in a rakish 1:1 ratio, possibly even a scandalous negative ratio of 1:0.5. Shocking. In a more licentious age, I'm sure many a tipsy lady's ankle would have been exposed to him during a beach visit.

A Dark Day In Mustache History

On this day, in the blighted year of 1916, the British Army revoked the standing order that all military men were required to maintain a mustache.

Michael Leapman explores the disastrous consequence to the British Empire in this keenly insighted Telegraph article.

The Literary Mustache

Jerome K. Jerome, author of Three Men and a Boat. (Not "Two Men in a Boat" as the hapless albuminist has printed on his backing card.)

The Champion's Mustache

Pictured here is the rugged mustache of Dan Gilman, Champion Pedestrian. How some men walk at all without a mustache is a mystery, and surely none could be a champion without one at all.

A Graceful Overhand Twist

Mustache Health, Special Update

Quite thin in places with no even line. Obviously another victim of the North American Hook-Beaked Mustache Swallow. Damn that insidious avian!

Sickening

This must be stamped out by the proper authorities!

http://www.fakemoustache.com/