The Closely-Groomed Mustache

The expression on his face indicates to me that he is distressed at having such a mustache and wishing it could be fuller. Maybe his father is a barelipped tyrant and is threatening disinheritanceness.

The Proud Cleft

How terrible it would be to hide such a manly chin cleft under a beard...

The Blonde Mustache

Very few blond men lived in America before 1913, so this a rare image indeed.

Another Overshadowing Tie

But when his facespanner finally, fully comes in, he'll show that shiny tie whatfor.

Nothing To Give Thanks For

I hope my loyal readers had a much finer Thanksgiving feast than I and my new interns experienced. I was summoned late last Tuesday to an emergency Convocation of M(o)ustache Bloggers. The confidentiality codicils of the Convocation stripped me of all ability to communicate with the outside world for its duration. Of course, I am prevented from discussing the location or attending members, but I can suggest in vague terms that the matter of the meeting was the production of evidence regarding malfeasance on the part of one of our most prominent representatives. It was a scandalous affair and it upset the new interns greatly to hear that someone in our tightly-knit circle of facial hair enthusiasts could be capable if such fraud.

And their turkey was dry.

The Simple Mustache

Alas, it is almost too simple for his outfit, the striped tie attracts the eye too readily.

Another Dapper Mustache

What wit and grace has this gentleman!

The Profile Mustache

A fine example of the mustache in profile.

Diseases of the Mustache: Malformed Philtrum

This poor gentleman has the hairless area most associated with a malformed philtrum. His cross-eyedness may indicate a history of pugilism or horse-wrestling.

The Cleansing Mustache

Let us wipe away the moral horror of yesterday's mustache with this fine example.

The Deranged Mustache

Perhaps this gentleman was just accosted by a nefarious cutpurse. That would be a charitable explanation for odd and contradictory style seen in his mustache. The horrible asymmetry offends the senses. I debated long and hard whether to share this image with, my dear readers. I offer it now as an anti-example of fine mustachery.

The Tightly Rolled Mustache

A highly refined and tight overhand twist.

The Suspicious Mustache

This gentleman has a very suspicious glare worked into his mustache pose. Perhaps he sees a barelipped ruffian in the distance.

Mustaches Of The Nineteenth Century Special Report

An In Depth Look at Diseases of the Mustache

Many of my valued readers have asked for a clarification of certain medical terms concerning mustachery. An addition to this post, the terms will be added to the glossary.


Mustache Wasting Disease
A progressive thinning of the mustache about the phltrum and the outer twisting withers. Often the result of over-mastication routines advocated by Fletcherites and other jaw-abusive health cults. (Fletcherism has also been linked to a related illness, Sideburnitosis.)

Mustache Concussion
A bruising and swelling of the mustache, both philtrum and withers, caused by repeated blows. The immediate aftereffect is often simple temporary handlebar weariness, but severe cases can present acute follicular seizure. Repeated mustache concussions, such as those experience by bare-knuckle pugilists, can result in malformation of the philtrum, also known as Cauliflower Lip.

Temporary Handlebar Weariness
A flagging of the twists brought on by fatigue or opium balm. Extreme mustache exertion and physical damage to the lip can bring it on, but is often cured by a brief rest at a mustache spa.

Acute Follicular Seizure
A horrific and potentially crippling condition wherein the individual hairs of the mustache seize in their growth patterns for days or weeks at a time. This can lead to complete mustache baldness or an asymmetrical mustache growth pattern that will result in a malformed philtum.

Malformed Philtrum
The unnatural spread of the philtrum to occupy more than 5% of the entire mustache width due to trauma or use of certain illegal mustache growth pomades and waxes. The main impact on the mustache to emphasize the relativity hairless area of the philtrum to the detriment of the hairful wither, therefore upsetting the fine balance and symmetry seen in the great mustaches of the world.

The Oversized Mistake

Never let your tie overshadow your mustache.

A Foolish Comment

I am loathe to poke cruel fun, but this comment was too misguided not to point out.

Forbidden Fantasy said...
i'm sorry for being the bearer of bad news but i'm here to say that i find this entire site quite humorous seeing as how it is devoted to a mass of hair growing above the lip that makes drinking anything from a cup quite a task.
November 2, 2007 12:58 PM

You, sir, know nothing of the fine arts of being a gentleman because no gentleman worth his wax would attempt to play host to a well-groomed mustache without possessing a mustache cup!



If any of my readers you like to obtain a mustache cup of your own, this fine retailer carries a number of styles.

Go Antiques

The Discarded Mustache

Someone bent this poor man's image right in half, perhaps in an effort to hide him away from the prying eyes of society. It is not so poor a mustache that it must be hidden away...

The Favors of Density

While the elaborate skill of the handlebar and the genetic luck of a narrow philtrum are parts of the majestic tapestry that is a fine mustache, they are nothing if you don't start with a dense base to work with. Take this gentleman for example. Even while trimmed short, the density of his mustache allows it to exert a formidable presence in the composition of his face.

Competitive Mustache Cultivation and Display

I am pleased to introduce Josh Gipson and Jesse Brasher (l to r), winners of the intra-collegiate mustache growing contest held in honor of National Archives Week. Josh won in the Density event, but Jesse edged him out in the important and highly competitive Length From Bare-Lipped race. But in the end, Josh's points in the Freestyle event for his flamboyant Inverted Kurdish pulled them into a dead tie. Both were declared the champion in an emotional ceremony.



Congratulations!

Help Support Mustache Blogs!

I, of course, hope that you would vote for this site. But if you cannot in good conscience, at least don't vote for those low-mannered quarter-wits at The Twirler. They've made a mockery of mustache aficionados everywhere with their yellowest of journalisms.

Happy Guy Fawke's Night!

Sadly, you must refer to our sister site Van Dykes of the Seventeenth Century to get the full experience of this holiday.

Also, one last question from late last night:

Burton Newall said...
I do not understand, sir. You write that the best mustache grooming products are illegal. What could surpass the tradition half-and-half mixure of beeswax and petroleum jelly, I ask you?
November 4, 2007 10:50 PM

The galvanic properties of penguin-based unguents could static-charge an overhand twist for an entire night of promenades or even the most brutally long of debutante balls. Additionally, the ear wax of the rare red panda was far superior to beeswax in many ways, allowing for more complex twisting and braiding. It would also last for days on a single application. Narwhal tooth combs are another product denied the mustachioed gentleman.

Answers To Your Questions, Additional Queries

Blog Origins

Elise said...
Your crazy! I love the blog, what inspired you?
November 2, 2007 12:23 PM

Peter Anderson said...
How is it, that a man so rich with worldly upper lip hair knowledge, finds the time to educate the mustached peasants of the world so generously?
November 2, 2007 4:02 PM

My father sported a fine mustache. The most frightening day of my childhood occurred when my father was forced by his employers to go barelipped. When he stepped from the bathroom bereft of his mustache I fainted dead away. My father defied his employers and regrew his mustache for the sake of his stricken child. This site is a tribute to him and his sacrifice.


Prurient Interests

Halfang said...
Is it true that moustached men deliver more pleasure to moustached and to non-moustached women?
November 2, 2007 5:30 PM

Yes.


Applied Metaphysics

Olive Duster said...
I fell asleep and when I awoke I found myself on your site. What...where the hell am I?
November 3, 2007 7:00 PM

You’ve found yourself in a safe corner of the vast Internet sprawl; please explore the content within and consider this a mustachioed home away from home.

Answers To Your Questions, Comments Past

Content

Michael Fountain: Blood for Ink said...
But what of Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton, whose facespanner earned him the Arab sobriquet, "Father of Moustachioes"?
October 28, 2007 10:28 AM

A fine man, but sadly unpictured in my collection. I strive not to post images not in my collection, mostly out of politeness and a fear of re-igniting the horrific mustache plagiarism wars of 2003 that claimed the lives so many mustache bloggers.



Beards

(lord) franko said...
while i prefer just a mustache, the proper beard can enhance a mustache sometimes, don't you think? sort of like the proper accessory to fine outfit?
October 31, 2007 9:21 AM

A beard to me is like a fine lawn gone to seed for lack of mowing. I do not lament the beard, but rather the mustache it has subsumed.



Terminology

A. Truman North said...
Why do you spell the M-word that way?
October 31, 2007 9:41 PM

A question answered in the Glossary:

Moustache
Foreign variant of mustache. Primarily used in opium dens and other houses of ill-repute where no gentlemanly facial hair would ever find itself.

I do not object to the use of moustache, but one must look deep into one's soul and take a side. I sided against the superfluous o.


Michael said...
Ah, so that's what it's called—a philtrim (although Dictionary.com Wikipedia and spell it philtrum).
October 26, 2007 7:10 PM

Both are acceptable, but I will admit to a terrible propensity to use both. Unsightly in such fine company.



Sociology

Film Scholar
Weren't mustaches once a symbol of wealth in the 19th Century? How does that equate to the "porn-stache" we see nowdays.

Pornography reflects our must base and urgent desires. What is more desirable than a mustache?



Mustache Health

Dem said...
Of course here they're called moustaches. I'm growing one now for the first time since I sported a George Harrison as a much younger man so I was pleased to see this listed in the blogs of note. This time I'm aiming for something more along the lines of an Errol Flynn, the famous Australian moving picture performer of yore. Any and all grooming and cultivation tips much appreciated. For instance, that thing about rubbing the hairless area with salt to tempt the hair out for a drink, then tying a knot in it near the root so it can't retreat back under the skin, what salt works best - sea or siberian mined?
October 30, 2007 8:19 AM

While salting is a fine way to start a mustache, one should proceed with caution. Any free chloride could result in Acute Follicular Seizure. A fast growing mustache is a wonderful thing, but AFS can wither a mustache for life.


(lord) franko said...
i second the inquiry for more moustache maintenance tips. to condition or not? waxes, pomades, or ??
October 30, 2007 9:39 AM

Conditioners are rarely desired. While the soft mustache pleases ladies, it can lack the structure required for proper twisting. Regular soap and water is best, for you want to maintain the native bacteria present in a healthy mustache.

As for pomades and waxes, since the best mustache styling products are now illegal, I cannot vouch for any modern product in good conscious.


Grimscott said...
I currently sport a wonderful, cultivated, groomed, lip-shading mustache of a sort any 19th century gentleman would be proud of; unfortunately due to an unfortunate industrial accident I am being advised by my medical practitioner to either grow a beard or undergo a series of painful surgeries. As an expert in the field I would have your advice? Beard or painful surgery?
October 26, 2007 10:11 AM

Better some facial hair than none at all. There are many fine support groups with chapters in most metropolitan areas to help you cope with the lost of the use of your mustache. But beware the mustacheless goatee. Far better to have a full beard and be mistaken for a handsome Amish man, than a creature of such ill-repute.



Identification

kevyn said...
what would you call mine?
http://thebestlifever.blogspot.com/2007/10/g-ts.html
October 30, 2007 5:01 PM

That, sir, is an Inverted Kurdish, so-called for its resemblance to a Û.


Beanieville said... Interesting facination of mustache you got there. Perhaps i can send in mine for you to examine my pedigree? October 28, 2007 2:36 PM

Ricardo Mamood-Vega said... Great site. I have a JPEG of an old dude with moustache but doesn't fall under any classification. Can you classify it if I send an JPEG to you? (No virus nor threats) October 29, 2007 9:57 PM

Submissions may be sent to sugarfreejay (at) gmail.com, with the caveat that they may be posted to the main page for discussions of a educational nature.



Other Facial Hair Styles and Eras

off.the.twig said... have you considered a similar tribute site to the oft forgotten mutton chops? i feel that you could do justice, where justice is due.
October 31, 2007 3:22 PM

Sir Monocle said... I concur with sir dungan. Wish I saw this site sooner! I've done a David Niven (thin, cosmopolitain). Is there a name for that?
October 25, 2007 4:02 PM

LV_Raider said... can i be given an e-mail alert when you begin researching great Major League Baseball Mustaches from the 70's and 80's? October 25, 2007 9:28 PM

Alas, am I but one man and deprived as I am of an assistant (albeit a poor one), I must leave Mustaches of the Twentieth Century as a subject for someone else to dedicate themselves to. Hopefully my work here will inspire them in their endeavors.

The Balding Mustache

At least he will always be able to count on his thick mustache.

A Special Note To My Readers

Now that the paganish hootenanny of Halloween is finished, I can see now that the loss of Joseph maybe permanent, and not some cruel prank he has pulled upon his employer. Joseph has run off before, but has often returned after a few nights, reeking of sugar cane liquor and sporting an infant beard. I truly miss the burly simpleton and will hold out hope for his return.

But my work must go on, and I have obligations to you, my faithful readers. Many of you have posited questions in the comments that I have yet to respond to. I plan to spend the weekend grieving Joseph and creating a series of posts to the main page to answer the most pertinent. All of your comments are a wonderful comfort to me during this time, even those from benighted souls who wail out against the mustache and advocate its destruction. This is America after all, and you are as free as anyone to express opinions that are wrongheaded, ignorant, and public evidence of ill-breeding.

Please use the comments of this post to ask any burning mustache queries you haven't yet put in comment posts past.

All Saint's Day Mustache

Is this a mustache you want to visit cemeteries with? Look at those finely wound overhand twists. I think you know the answer in your hearts.